thinking of this summer, trying to admit that its passed, and where - summers have essences where other seasons dont, brief and selfcontained - its foci lay, finding them outside myself already (theres the 'past' part), keeping track of them with my hair (it had to be dyed again today - has it already been six months, two dyes, since colorado?), yeah well i know its kind of unbelievably banal but just you tell me how you keep track of these things, how do you know that youll at least try not to forget, other than moving your happinesses through you - this reminds me of that paragraph from dune, the oft-cited 'fear is the mind-killer,' which, alright, but when your fear is what you love, what it can take from you? - trying so hard to keep it close that it embitters your blessedness, wondering (though at least not worrying) about the ways in which what you love doing is going to manipulate you into missing other things less obvious, more needed than wanted; trying to keep passion from deteriorating into self-neglect; i love fall, i love it, i havent smelled downed leaves in so many years that theyre calling forth this wicked pelvic response, and im just so bad at change, so overdrawn, that its a constant reconciliation, i clearly cannot handle this fourth-dimension bullshit and have to materialize it, i need hair and falling leaves, all of it, just to start to understand; ok, guys, wheres everything gone, already.

union square for a cookbook and some chicken-free nuggets. i wish i didnt have to bother with other food; cant they make some sort of space-ready nuggets with all the vitamins a young girl needs? oh well (for the record, the only brand i endorse is morningstar, though the others are passable in a pinch). and nail polish. happy frivolities.

and happy fall. im excited.